A letter for Nicholas

Dear Nicholas,

My negligence brought harm upon you. I failed you in the worst way a parent could fail a child. My sheer determination, strength and desire to reverse what I had done kept me going to heal you. (and the guilt kept me going too) In the process, I healed myself and came out of it a stronger person who doesn’t take one minute with my beautiful little boy for granted.

I’m sorry that this happened to you. I’m sorry I didn’t do the job that I should have done as your parent… that I didn’t research until it was too late. I will never fail you again.

I am so thankful I have been able to bring you so far, that there is once again joy, happiness, laughter and excitement in our lives, that every minute of every day is NO longer the struggle it used to be. I remember all too well how things used to be and I don’t know how we managed to live through it. I don’t want anyone to have to live one day of what we went through. I don’t want any child to ever have to live through that. Ever. I hope that you don’t remember, but I’m pretty sure from things that you have said, that you do remember. I hope you hold onto the good memories and make room for those yet to come and let those become a distant memory.

The knowledge I picked up along the way has led to better choices for our family and for you. Never again will I believe what a “doctor” tells me, what I read/hear in the news, what the FDA says, etc. without doing my OWN thorough research and reading the ACTUAL research for MYSELF. You will NOT make the same mistakes with your children.

My dearest Nicholas, the *little love of my life*, I am so very proud of you. Each and every day, you succeed in bringing a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t think about how grateful I am that I sacrificed sleep, myself, everything to pour all of it into healing you. You have been worth it all. All of the money that we had and didn’t have. All of the sleepless nights. All of the countless hours of non-stop reading. All of it.

You have done things I never thought you would get to do. You have gone places I thought we could never take you. You have told me things I thought I would never hear you say. I am so very proud of you.

I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you and for our family. I cherish every moment we spend together. Every moment I get to be witness to your life. Every giggle. Every smile. Even when you’re being snarky or being sneaky or plain mischievous. Every splash in the pool. Every jump on the trampoline. Every kick of your soccer ball. Every moment. Every single one.

I will love you always. I am so very proud of you.
Mommy

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